St. Anthony Yay!

Today i went to one of my most visited sites http://www.newagestore.com/Divination/Angels.aspx

because its been a while and I wanted some insight and I asked the Angels if my soulmate would be returning to me and I got St. Anthony! I guess he really wants to help me out!

this is QUOTED from the site and is NOT my material and I DO NOT OWN THE RIGHTS TO IT. so I am quoting!

"Saint Anthony
Full Meaning:
"Tony, Tony rally round, something's lost and must be found!"This rather child like chant to Saint Anthony is one that is especially dear to my heart. This is the patron saint of things that have been lost and not only lost material possessions but also of anything that we feel has been lost from within ourselves.
Saint Anthony comes to us when we feel we have lost a part of ourselves or when we call upon him to help us find a lost object. Though he is frequently asked to help with the latter it is the former that I feel he is especially desirous of helping us with! In shamanic terms, when someone has undergone a severe stress or trauma, a part of the Soul may split off that carries the fear and worst of the pain with it. This may help to cushion the blow of what one has undergone and yet this also means that the person is working with less than their whole selves; a vital part of whom that person is has gone missing and until it is retrieved the person is operating under less than optimal energy conditions. A Soul Retrieval, when performed properly by a qualified shaman helps to bring that missing piece back and integrate it into the rest of the person's soul and energy system. While totem animals and allies may be called upon to assist the shaman in this process, so may Saint Anthony be called upon to further support this process. Saint Anthony can also help us remember things that may have caused a splitting off on a soul level so that we may actively begin the process of retrieving and integrating those energies into a more positive expression in our lives.
Sometimes we forget those dreams and desires that sustained us in our early years and helped to give our lives meaning and a sense of purpose. Perhaps one was told that to be a great artist was not realistic or would not be putting any food on the table! Or the desire to be a mum and housewife was sneered at by those that felt it was putting all women "back in the stone ages". Certainly being a money spinner is so much better isn't it? Not if it does little to nothing to feed the Soul, which is what really matters if one is to be truly happy! We forget why we aspired to be those things in the first place and then allow other's judgements and perceptions to chart the course of our lives. This is why so many often feel others are in control! As we lose touch with that which holds the deepest meaning for us and buy into what we think others want of us, we have effectively given control of our lives over to someone else's opinion. If we want to get back in touch with our true natures and desires, all we need do is cal upon Saint Anthony and he will lead us back to the lost desires and dreams that once meant so very much!
Saint Anthony also comes to us when we have forgotten that we have the power to heal ourselves and our own lives. He reminds us that all we experience is generated first from within ourselves. Thus we have the ultimate power to change things! If we don't like our current jobs we can seek new ones. If a relationship is causing us heartache we can ask for Higher Guidance on how to heal it or allow it to go so that we may embrace a new one. It can be so easy to blame someone or something else for all of our problems and yet when we remember to stop and look within, we can find what was churning in us that attracted those problems to begin with!
If this Saint has appeared for you today, he may be asking you to stop and ask yourself what you need to remember that will help you move forward and heal your own life in some way. Perhaps an old dream has been knocking at the door and yet you have brushed it away thinking it would never be possible to achieve now. Saint Anthony says to remember why you felt so drawn to that dream/goal initially and then ask to be shown how to make it manifest! Or maybe you have forgotten who you really are and instead have been listening to everyone else's ideas and dogmas. Or that there is always some action you can take to change your life's circumstances.
What to watch for with this Angel's presence:
You may begin to think of childhood memories that have bearing on your life's current expression. If there are memories that remind you of past hurts, work on healing and releasing that pain with the understanding that by doing so it will help you to move forward now.
A song, a book, a poem, a painting, any of these things may be "haunting" you which is Saint Anthony's way of reminding you that there is something you need to remember about the time you first encountered the song, book etc, or that there is a message contained for you within the memory or verse that needs to be brought into conscious awareness now. Perhaps the song made you feel especially happy when you heard it and listening to it now will help you to find that space of joy again which will in turn attract more joy to you! Or the book was an inspirational one that helped you find solutions from within. Perhaps now there is something you are facing that could benefit from another reading of it. A Painting may have served as inspiration in another way, perhaps it moved you creatively and now you are needing to get creative with one or more aspect of your life. Never disregard the little hints and reminders such as these! So often they prove to be just the ticket!
You may remember some wise words that someone shared with you when you needed to hear them in time to pass them along to someone who needs to hear them now.
You may feel "nagged" to do things that relate to your heartfelt goals but tend to "forget" to do them because you are often sidetracked by things that are really just major time eaters! Ask Saint Anthony to help you let the time eaters go and keep your focus on your true goals and purpose.
You lose your pocketbook, car keys or forget where you parked your car! Any lost material possessions can be found through the assistance of Saint Anthony so ask him to remind you to ask for his help when you need it! Once you have retrieved the object, maybe a little down time is in order to understand why it might have gone missing in the first place. The answers can be very enlightening!
Other ways to work with this Saint's energy is to ask him to help you remember all the good that is in your life today, to remember who you are really are and what you have come to this earthwalk to do. Ask him to help you remember to be grateful, to feel joy and reconnect with the Universe more frequently throughout the day. Ask to be reminded that each day you have a plan and a purpose and nothing is as important as being the person that you truly are!"

TAKEN FROM http://www.newagestore.com/

Prayer to Saint Anthony

I love and respect St. Anthony. He always comes through for me so I thought I'd put some prayer for him and hopefully he can continue to help me out!!! Please Please St. Anthony assist me! Thank you as always!!

• St. Anthony, St. Anthony, Please come down. My Soulmate is lost And can't be found
  
• Dear St. Anthony, I pray. Bring him back, without delay.
  
• My Soumate is lost and can't be found. Please, St. Anthony, look around.
  

xoxo

Just Annoyed

I am not bummed today but I am annoyed that I sometimes wake up and feel some sort of negative emotion when its so wasteful. I don't wana be sad. I don't wana be depressed. I don't wana argue with people. I don't wana lose friends. I dont wana be angry or hateful or hold on to petty things. I just wana be happy and at peace with myself and those around me. I hate losing people I love and I hate parting in anger. That's so pointless and sad. I don't have a problem apologizing when I'm wrong like I used to but I wish others would be that way too. I don't know. This year will prove decisive to me. I dont know where I'm going or what Ill do but I know I want happiness. I'm tired of the pointless andger and sadness.

Otro Dia Extrañandote

Ojala pudiera arrancarte de mi corazon y no pensar mas en ti. Llevo un monton de noches soñando contigo. Peor todavia. Te extraño tanto y quizas no deberia. Me dicen que no deberia, que estoy perdiendo el tiempo y que en realidad no perdi nada, que nunca te importe, nunca me quisiste....ni como amiga me quisiste o respetaste pero igual duele tu ausencia. Tengo el cerebro lleno de telarañas. No quiero preguntarme nada o seguir torturandome pensando porque otra vez volvi a caer y otra vez me cagaste. No quiero perder el tiempo sintiendo rencor o odio porque no vale la pena y me hace mal ami no mas. Vos ni te acordas de mi. Sigo con mi vida pero me haces mucha falta y te hecho de menos. Aunque aveces pienso que exactamente estoy extrañando si ni me llamabas para saludar o ver como estaba? Arghhhh Quiero despertar y ser feliz y olvidar todo el dolor y toda la confucion que siento. Nose porque te extraño, nose porque te quiero tanto. Bueno no, si se. Una amiga muy famosa y conocida me dijo que yo me enamore del *hombre* que una dia seras, The Man You Were Meant To Be, The Man You Grow Up To Be and The Man I Know You Are deep inside and only I can see. Y es asi, es cierto eso. Yo veo el hombre que sos y amo a ese hombre. No al nene inseguro, egoista, thoughtless, closed off, que no quiere amar o entregarse, el nene al que nunca dice la verdad y con quien nunca se puede contar porque su palabra de hombre no existe todavia. No quiero a ese chico.... Amo a ese hombre que todavia no sos. Donde estar y cuando tardara en venir y salir de tu espiritu?? El homre que se comunica conmigo telepaticamente y me cuenta cosas y me dice lo que le pasa por dentro para poder comprender al chico. Cada vez que pienso en esa persona que se que sos me enamoro mas y te perdono de nuevo. Pero todavia no sos esa persona. Todavia buscas tu rumbo, to camino tu felicidad. Todavia no te diste cuenta de la mujer que soy y de lo cuanto que valgo. Seguis muy ciego y no te das cuenta de la gente falsa que te rodea. No puedo ayudarte a que te des cuenta, o abrir los ojos, o a madurar emocionalmente. Ojala pudiera asi pudiesemos estar juntos pero no puedo. Bueno si pensandolo bien alomejor no perdi nada porque si no me queres para que quiero seguir sufriendo al lado de alguien que me lastima y miente y me usa? pero bueno deciselo a mi corazon eso. El te extraña y no me quiere hacer caso cuando le digo que te olvide.

Que mierda...I miss you....I hate it....and i hate it that you dont miss me or even remember my name.

Anoche Soñe Contigo......

I dreamt of him last night. I keep having dreams of him and I dont know if its my subconscious trying to work it all out or if its because we are psychically (sp?) linked to eachother (which I know I am linked to him.) We were ok in the dream, everything was fine or normal. We were eating at one point and his mom came in and I was upset because he didn't even introduce me (which is just like him in real life) I woke up missing him so much. I want to know why I keep dreaming of him though....Does he dream of me? I hope he does. I hope he gets messages through those dreams and guidance as well. My connection with him from the beginning has been indiscribable. I get visions while walking of part of his life or family not knowing anything about them and come to find out months later that i what I saw was indeed true or had happened or would happen eventually. I never had that happen with anyone before and so I wonder why him? why now? I have been told many times by my Angels and Guides that we are *Soulmates* which explains all the pain we endure together and all the lessons we learn (well I learn I hope he does as well) but if I feel this psychic-link does he too? and maybe that scares him? Lately I have been getting messages that I know may come from the Angels but recently I started thinking its his higher-self and soul speaking to me. I get direct information for questions that I been having about us and his feeling and what's going on. And so his soul seems really grown up and somewhat wise.....why cant his physical self catch up?? What kind of work does he need to do in order to grow and be that Man I know he can be and is meant to be?? I am rambling....anyway back to my dream I miss him now. I want to see him and hug him and run away into a paradise where everything will be ok for us and no drama and no arguing of any kind. Somewhere we can be sure of eachother and outselves and our lives. Why do I keep dreaming of him? Is it a message? a sign? or just me overthinking while awake and then taking that to my dream state? and what am i supposed to do with all this?? and what is he doing?? well nothing just forgetting me and moving on with his chaotic life sorrounded by fake people and fake friends who dont mean him well.

I dreamt of you last night.....still dont know why... but I wish I didn't wake up.....

Tiny White Feather in my coffee mug

I just found a white feather on my personal coffee mug.....hows that for weird lol. It was sticking out between the lid and the cup. I had to re-heat the coffee so I opened the cup and there was the tiny white feather. I usually get these from my Angels as a sign, usually a confirmation of what I am thinking or hoping to happen. Yes I was thinking of him. I miss him terribly today and I keep being tortured by dreams of him and of his ex-girlfriends and wake up feeling sad and upset. I think my self-conscious is torturing me and itself.

What is this white feather trying to tell me today??

The Witch Within

Well I've tried many times before and stopped mid-stream. I've said it before and failed to follow through but this time I really really hope and wish to finally follow through on this promise to myself: to fins the witch within or rather to bring her out. The seer and psychic in me has been out and about for years and she is loving it! but now I would really love it if the knowledgable witch could step into the light and help me out a bit. The last 3 months have been emotionally, mentally and physically draining and I was able to prove yo myself and others how strong I really am. So now I hope to bring out the magickal side of me and pray that I can follow the Goddess on the plan that she has set out and designed for me. Maybe before it wasn't my time but now it may just be.

I hope to find that inner-strength and self-love. I want to stop doubting myself and my actions and stop being so afraid to make a wrong turn or make a mistake or say the wrong things. I hope to take control over my life and start making things happen to better myself and my sorroundings. All this will take hard work and time and lets face it I am the laziest person alive!! That is really the main reason why I tend to put off really looking into myself and further continuing my studies in Magick. That is why I tend to shy away from rituals and spells and workings, It takes a lot ot time, hard work and Dedication, Reasearch and this puts me off because I am so very lazy!! Altars? omg it takes me too long to set up an altar! LOL I hope to work on that and at least learning can keep me busy and help me heal and expand my knowledge.

Magick to me means taking control of your life and not being a bystander who watches as things happen to them. I no longer want to be the "victim" of my circustances. It's exhausting blaming the universe and God/ddess for my mishaps and hard experiences. I want to stop feeling sorry for myself and drowing in my own sorrow and living in my own pitty party. This has to stop!! But how will I do this all? Alone specially??

I will get tired and wish to give up yet again. This is what I fear and this is what I will need help with honestly. Taking stock of your life is time consuming but I am tired of my current obstacles and want things to change and take a postivie turn for the better. So can I do this?? Will I do it?? I can't say. I have tried many times before and quit so I dont know but the deisre is there so that is a starting point. I pray for assistance on this path because its a tough one!!

I am Woman, I am Strong, I am Seer, I am WITCH! well maybe I'm currently witch with little letters but I hope to one day write them in all capitals and feel my inner Goddess.

Help me to step out of the shadows and into the bright sunlight and help me to learn your lessons in love.

Lets see how it goes!

My Current Mood

OKAY. I am ok.

I had a very emotional and rough week. I was emotionally drained. First I started off angry and pissed off ready to whip out the voodoo dolls and candles and pins and oils and herbs...hey you name it! Thinking of hexes and curses and a diarrhea spell lol Anyway you get the point. I was very hurt and heartbroken by a guy whom I should never admit to anyone I love very much =) I fell for someone who is not for me or if he is he is still asleep as my great friend said to me. I had been confused by him and his feelings for me because he never expressed them verbally which is what I needed. I am a rational person and although it would sting to hear "I dont have feelings for you" sometimes that is just what you need to fully get it and move on with your life. Instead I was waiting in the background waiting for him to get his life in order and then realize that I am the one he has wanted and loved all along. But I kept playing the "friend" role because I love and care for him so much that I wanted him to be a part of my life. However I soon started to realize that being the friend would hurt so much more than possibly not having him in my life at all. It would mean seeing him flirt and be sweet to other girls because he had no responsibility to me. I've seen all those movies and I can't play the role of Watz ("Some Kind of Wonderful") for very long! Plus I am not the gicky best friend I am all of those roles combiend into ONE. Best friend, sex pot, girl friend, wife and so I would not be able to bear hearing about other girls in his life. I would hurt very deeply.

But I realized what love *really* meant when he had to leave the current state we reside in to another not so close in order to find a better job and be more at peace with his personal life which had been causing him a lot of stress and depression. I remember my heart sank when I originally heard he was moving away but later I reflected on how good this change would be for him. a change far away not only from me but from all the negative and envious people in his life. the people whom he funnily enough still keeps in his life after knowing they are no good. I was SO JOYOUS for him! Starting a new job in a new place and environment. I felt as if it was happening to me and so I thought I will let him go and pray he finds what he is looking for and since he decided to meet with me before he left to say "goodbye" I figured we could maintain a long distance friendship. After all I thought that it was a sign of his caring for me that we met and a real friendship has no distance boundaries or problems. He is not much of a phone person and working so hard it didnt bother me that I only heard once from him in the 2 months he was gone. I was doing my own thing and was extremely busy and stressed with my own work issues. Finally the Christmas holidays arrived and he told me he would be coming into town. I did not expect to see him though because I know how busy these holidays can be. I will leave the details of the two painful weeks out but needless to say he was "too busy" to see me for half an hr to grab a cup of coffee. and I almost woul'dve understood if he would've called or even texted a quick text goodbye to say "I am going back home. sorry we could not meet this time around. maybe next time" or something along those lines. Instead he found 30 seconds to post it on his Facebook status and completely blew me off.

At seeing that my feelings or rather that my dedication in the friendship was not reciprocated and feeling like I actually don't seem to matter much to.....Lets call him The Knight of Wands, my heart just broke into a trillion little pieces followed by utter rage and I proceeded to send him a lenthy text saying some things that had been on my mind that I always held inside for fear of being called a nutso or a paranoid freak. I felt used and now disposed of. I was shattered. Of course I could be wrong. I am an emotional woman sometimes and I was so angry and crushed that he didnt want to see me that I blurted some things out that might be completely inacurate. He never replied. I cant say that I blame him. What could he say that would appease me?? But I was dissapointed that he didn't even try to reply or talk to me. I wanted him to fight for me... to say his side and I wanted him to be honest. But...Silence.

I was right in feeling let down by yet another friend. You see my anger did not come from me loving him and me being angry he does not feel the same. I understand that. You cant tell the heart where to go (hell if we could I woulda told it to stop loving him long ago and yet here I stand still loving him) my anger came from a FRIEND of mine NOT wanting to see me, his friend, his loyal, sincere and supportive friend who only wants him to succeed. I have had more pain in my life from people calling themselves my "friends" than from love-relationships and guys. Friends have repeatedly let me down. Betrayed and hurt me, lied to my face and used me. So anyway my hurt came because I realized he didnt find our friendship relevant or important. and I could not go on giving my friendship and well....yes my LOVE and support to someone who doesn't appreciate me or love me even as his friend.

He keeps all those bad people around but always seems to throw me away. I never came to understand why that is but I presume his life sucks because of all that evil energy he has around and some of his own Karma.

Anyway after a week of crying myself to sleep, waking up feeling empty and crying on the bus histerically because I love him and I am so sad i wont get to speak to him ever again and because yes I held on to the hope that we would be together one day and HAPPY. I am currently ok and trying to deal and trying to heal. I miss him so much and its only been a week, a painful one. I pray for him every night and everyday I wish he finds peace and harmony. I love him and hope to one day stop feeling this way if he's not for me. but I am no longer angry and I am at peace with what I said because i was honest as I can always be expected to be. I do hope he misses me and realizes one day that I gave him my ALL and that I was good to him.

I believe true love has a time and a place and if we trully are meant for eachother our hearts and bodies will find a way back to eachother someday. Until then I wish nothing but the best for him and pray that he is ok and out of harms way.....That's what real love is after all. Compassionate.

xoxo

Welcome!

Well I have jumped into the blogging band wagon! I doubt anyone will ever read half of the dribble I write but I talk a lot and think a lot and over analyse things till i get a migrane and question and question and question everything! So what a better way to release some stress and pent up emotions and thoughts then to write them all here?

This week has been very emotional for me and very painfully draining (will get more into it in further writtings) and I realized maybe writting everything I think, even if wrong or not exactly accurate, will help me make sense on things i do not understand and cant make sense of. So....ok this is my intro blog. it sux but i hope to get a bit better. i do consider myself to be a great writter but have lost my passion for it somewhat. Maybe this decade will help me become a great writer eh?


xoxo
Love and Light
Me